A Guy Goes Into A Bar #1
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A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hi, Mitt!"
A giraffe walks into a bar. "Sorry", said the barman, "We don't serve Heineken here." (thanks to Jonco)
A Los Angeles Dodger races into a bar. The bartender throws him out. (substitute your "favorite" team/player) (thanks to Don Duck)
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender says "Those horse-face jokes are mean and insensitive. What'll you have?" (thanks to Senor Winces)
An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host." (thanks to Skip Tucker)
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph." (thanks to Skip Tucker)
John Mellencamp walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The man says, "I'll have a 'Jack and Diane'" (thanks to George Voiland)
A guy walks into a bar with a piano entertainer, sits down and orders a beer. The piano player's monkey soon jumps on the bar and urinates in the guy's beer. The guy yells to the piano player, "Hey, do you know your monkey just peed in my beer?" The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I might remember it!" (thanks to Tom Alvord)
A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender says, "Why the short face?" (thanks to George Voiland)
Louie Armstong walks into a bar in Tibet where the high priest is the bartender. Louis says, "Hello, Dahli!" (thanks to George Voiland)
A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"
A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?" (thanks to Paolo Ruffini)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts". (thanks to Colleen de Wit)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a woman at the end of the bar. The man says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and I'd like to buy a drink for the douchebag at the end of the bar. The bartender says, "OK, but you shouldn't talk to a woman like that." The bartender asks the woman what she would like. The woman says, "I'll have a vinegar and water." (thanks to Gerald Judd)
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"
A crow walks into a bar wearing a pearl necklace. He orders a drink. "I've never seen a crow wearing a pearl necklace before", says the barkeep. "What do you expect with basic black?", says the crow.
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen! (thanks to Thorn)
A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa? (thanks to Evets)