A Man Walks Into A Bar 1

A lawyer, a spy, a mob boss, and a money launderer walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You guys must be here to talk about adoption." (thanks to Dr. A)

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What can I get you, Mr. President?" (thanks to Devon Handy)

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. (thanks to Sheri Levson and Frederick Cox)

A cat walks into a bar. Then out of the bar. Then back in. Then out again. (thanks to Anastasia Kazakevich)

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me an erroneous punchline!" The woman says, “But Mabel! It’s eating my popcorn!”

A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hi, Mitt!"

A giraffe walks into a bar. "Sorry", said the barman, "We don't serve Heineken here." (thanks to Jonco)

A Los Angeles Dodger races into a bar. The bartender throws him out. (substitute your "favorite" team/player) (thanks to Don Duck)

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Those horse-face jokes are mean and insensitive. What'll you have?" (thanks to Senor Winces)

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen! (thanks to Thorn)

A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa? (thanks to Evets)

An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here." And the infectious disease says, "Well you're not a very good host." (thanks to Skip Tucker)

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph." (thanks to Skip Tucker)

John Mellencamp walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The man says, "I'll have a 'Jack and Diane'" (thanks to George Voiland)

A guy walks into a bar with a piano entertainer, sits down and orders a beer. The piano player's monkey soon jumps on the bar and urinates in the guy's beer. The guy yells to the piano player, "Hey, do you know your monkey just peed in my beer?" The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I might remember it!" (thanks to Tom Alvord)

A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender says, "Why the short face?" (thanks to George Voiland)

Louie Armstong walks into a bar in Tibet where the high priest is the bartender. Louis says, "Hello, Dahli!" (thanks to George Voiland)

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"

A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?" (thanks to Paolo Ruffini)

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts". (thanks to Colleen de Wit)

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."