Computer Help Desk Calls 4

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter i?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

User calls the help desk to ask if something is wrong with the mail server. "My e-mails are coming in with next week's date. This is March 31, isn't it?" No, says tech support, it's April 7. That's when the user realized she forgot to change her calendar.

Network techs at this manufacturer are surprised when they get a poor evaluation - the networks are running fine with few user complaints. "That's the problem," says IT guy. "Their metric is how many trouble tickets they resolve and how quickly." So techs take to randomly unplugging a hub, waiting for trouble tickets to come in, then restarting the hub. Rep says, "They were rated 'excellent' on their next review."

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

IT guy is fed up with executives who say they need the latest technology, so he comes up with an idea. "Every six months, we have people turn in their laptops for a technology refresh," he says. "Their laptop cases and keyboards are cleaned and fitted with new, upgraded "Intel" stickers. They love their "new" laptops, and never catch on that all they get are new stickers. And this frees up considerable budget for users who actually do need the power but who are too far down the ladder to actually get it."

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old 5 1/4" diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels.

Support rep gets a call from a user whose new PC is shutting down at random. User suggests the cause might be a virus-laden e-mail but then mentions that the monitor, printer and fax machine are shutting down, too. Are they all plugged into the same power strip? rep asks. "Yes, but that couldn't be it," user says. "I've had that for years."

Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

"The bottom half of all my printouts are blurry," user complains to support crew. He orders a replacement drum for the printer, but it doesn't help. Neither does a new printer. So he goes to her desk and asks her to print something. As the paper starts to emerge, she yanks it out of the printer and says, "See what I mean? Look at the bottom of this printout!"

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