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Cute Jokes #2

A plethora of cute and short jokes for you.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. (thanks to Wally Reed)

I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down! (thanks to Darby)

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" The pharmacist asks, "You mean aspirin?" "That's it, I can never remember the word."

"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor says, "Tell him I can't see him!"

There are only two things that are certain in this life - Death and Taxes. Unless you are wealthy - then there are Monaco and Cryogenics. (thanks to Omz)

There was a girl I dated in high school whose name was Becky, but everyone called her "Lincoln" because all the guys took a shot at her in the balcony.

A cheetah and a lion are racing. The cheetah wins. But the lion says to the cheetah, "You're a cheetah!". The cheetah says, "Nah, you lion!" (thanks to Jamie Lay)

Why isn't palindrome spelled the same way backwards?

If a man doesn't have any fingers, can he be counted on? (thanks to Dan North)

A man accidentally cut off all of his fingers with a saw. The doctor said, "Thank goodness for microsurgery. Give me the fingers, and I'll sew them back on!" The man said, "I couldn't pick them up!"

I'm a pessimistic optimist. I expect the worst - that way things can only get better. (thanks to Rickster)

I'm right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%? (thanks to Chris)

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. (thanks to Chris)

Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. (thanks to Donna Reade)

I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls. (thanks to Bennett)

How do you write zero in Roman numerals? (thanks to Evets)

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? (thanks to Evets)

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? (thanks to Evets)

I got tired of treasure hunting, so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant "X". (thanks to Kyle)

How many weeks are there in a light year? (thanks to Evets)

A policeman pulled me over and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "You should really ask a psychic!" (thanks to Nguyen Matos)

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. (thanks to Evets)

A tree's favorite drink is root beer. (thanks to Tim Garcia)

How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino's Pizza sign off the top. (thanks to Jen'fer)

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (thanks to Evets)

The things that come to those who wait are actually the things that were left by those who got there first! (thanks to Evets)

Can bald people get a hairline fracture? (thanks to Charley)

Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us would have never been born! (thanks to Levi)

If you get mono twice, isn't that stereo? (thanks to Charley)

What did the horse say when he fell? "Help, I've fallen and I can't giddyup!" (thanks to Tim Garcia)

"Doctor, I have a memory problem!" The doctor says, "When did it start?" "When did what start?"

My frosted flakes melted in the summer. (thanks to Nguyen Matos)

I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire. (thanks to Charley)

A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo. Police suspect a copycat killer. (thanks to Gary)

When I was a kid, I was so poor we would go to KFC and lick other people's fingers. (thanks to Julian Jinjur, Esq.)

I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them that I'm psychic. (thanks to Hop)

I got a jump rope, but it's just a rope. Turns out you have to do the jumping part. (thanks to Tim Garcia)

If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we'll really be in a jam. (thanks to Hop)

The Wheel: Man's greatest invention until he got behind it. (thanks to Larry Anderson)


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