Cute Jokes 3

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the good news?" Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "I should have called you yesterday!" (thanks to Sarah)

If you're on a cruise, you're with newlyweds, over-feds and nearly deads! (thanks to Jaime)

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you. (thanks to Shane)

What did Kenny G say when he got into the elevator? Wow, this place rocks! (thanks to Alexander Garofalo)

Patient: "Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I'm Mickey Mouse, some days I think I'm Donald Duck." Doctor: "How long have you had these Disney spells?"

If siamese twins get mono, is it called stereo? (thanks to Alexander Garofalo)

I'm a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they're playing. (thanks to Kyle)

Did you hear about the two maggots making love in dead Earnest? (thanks to PapaDog65)

Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer? (thanks to Evets)

Tony the Tiger was arrested for being a cereal killer. (thanks to Larry the K)

Another way to say "water" is H2O. It sounds fancy, but it's just h, i, j, k, l, m, n and o. (thanks to Charlie Mickle)

If vampires have no reflection, how do they have such neat hair? (thanks to Evets)

I have three beautiful children. I have four children, but only three are beautiful. (thanks to Victor)

My friend is dieting. He says weight gain is due to water retention. My weight gain is due to ice cream retention. (thanks to Charley)

Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. The color ran from Bush's face, and he was visibly shaken. Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?" (thanks to George C)

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night. (thanks to Jim Johnson)

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. (thanks to Evets)

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there is a clock on the oven. (thanks to Shane)

"Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor says, "Take these pills, if they don't work, give me a ring."

Two fish are in a tank. One says the other, "How do you drive this thing?" (thanks to Gary)

My car's brakes aren't working, so I bought an anchor. (thanks to Kyle)

A cemetery raised its costs, but blamed it on the cost of living. (thanks to Evets)