Cute Jokes #3
A plethora of cute and short jokes for you.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the good news?" Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "I should have called you yesterday!" (thanks to Sarah)
If you're on a cruise, you're with newlyweds, over-feds and nearly deads! (thanks to Jaime)
How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you. (thanks to Shane)
What did Kenny G say when he got into the elevator? Wow, this place rocks! (thanks to Alexander Garofalo)
Patient: "Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I'm Mickey Mouse, some days I think I'm Donald Duck" Doctor: "How long have you had these Disney spells?"
If siamese twins get mono, is it called stereo? (thanks to Alexander Garofalo)
I'm a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they're playing. (thanks to Kyle)
Did you hear about the two maggots making love in dead Earnest? (thanks to PapaDog65)
Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer? (thanks to Evets)
Tony the Tiger was arrested for being a cereal killer. (thanks to Larry the K)
Another way to say "water" is H2O. It sounds fancy, but it's just h, i, j, k, l, m, n and o. (thanks to Charlie Mickle)
If vampires have no reflection, how do they have such neat hair? (thanks to Evets)
I have three beautiful children. I have four children, but only three are beautiful. (thanks to Victor)
My friend is dieting. He says weight gain is due to water retention. My weight gain is due to ice cream retention. (thanks to Charley)
Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. The color ran from Bush's face, and he was visibly shaken. Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?" (thanks to George C)
Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night. (thanks to Jim Johnson)
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. (thanks to Evets)
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there is a clock on the oven. (thanks to Shane)
"Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor says, "Take these pills, if they don't work, give me a ring."
Two fish are in a tank. One says the other, "How do you drive this thing?" (thanks to Gary)
My car's brakes aren't working, so I bought an anchor. (thanks to Kyle)
A cemetery raised its costs, but blamed it on the cost of living. (thanks to Evets)
I watch the Westminister Dog Show for the commercials. (thanks to Slam)
I saw a homeless person getting off a bus, and I thought, "How does he know which stop is his?" (thanks to Charley)
I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.
The last thing I need to worry about is my anxiety disorder. (thanks to Patrick)
A man was examined at a hospital and was awaiting the results. The doctor comes in and says, "I have bad news. You're going to die in 10." The panic-striken man says, "10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?" The doctor says, "9 - 8 - 7 - 6...." (thanks to Ben)
I may look stupid, but it's hereditary. (thanks to Gregory Sawler)
My new workout plan is working! I'm benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 - whenever the weights are free. (thanks to Charley)
"Did your deaf aunt make it to her hearing?" "No, she was impaired!" (thanks to Kevin Beaudoin)
Last time my wife gave me a foot massage, my back ended up smelling funny. (thanks to Charley)
I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 1,000 aspirin. After the first two, I felt better!
Are children who act in R-rated movies allowed to see them? (thanks to Shane)
Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921. (thanks to LarryNewParts)