Cute Jokes 4I thought a thought, but the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. (thanks to Katie Birch)
I'm not saying that Charlie Sheen's rehab isn't going well, but CBS just renamed the show "Two and a Half Kilos". (thanks to Slam)
How do they get the "Keep off the grass" sign on the grass? (thanks to Victor)
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. (thanks to Travis)
When French people swear, do they say "Pardon my English"? (thanks to Shane)
"Doctor, I think I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor says, "Sit in the waiting room, I'll deal with you later."
I ran five miles today. Finally, I had to say, "OK Lady, here's your purse back." (thanks to Charley)
A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks, "Make me one with everything!" (thanks to Steve)
Overweight is something that just snacks up on you. (thanks to Cid)
Doctor to patient: "I'd tell you what your condition is, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it!"
If the grass is greener on the other side - water your grass!
When someone hits you in the face, turn the other cheek. That way the swelling is even! (thanks to Charley)
I went to a ballet once. I couldn't even tell who won. (thanks to LarryNewParts)
There are 3 essential tools: duct tape, WD40 and a hammer. If something is moving and it shouldn't be, duct tape it. If it isn't moving and it should be, use WD40. If it still doesn't move, hit it with a hammer. If it breaks, tape it back together with the duct tape.
Patient: "Doctor, something is wrong! I'm shrinking!" Doctor: "Now, now - you'll have to be a little patient!"
I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall, but they were all out. (thanks to Schmidty)
A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother says, "Not yet." (thanks to Scott Rogers)
Saturn is the richest planet, you can tell by all the rings. (thanks to Schmidty)
I joined a secret club; the guy at the door asked me, "What's the password?" I told him, "Aren't you supposed to know that?" (thanks to Kyle)
How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine? It's the one with the teeth marks. (thanks to Victor)
Life begins when you're born, and ends with an E. (thanks to Kyle)
I had to catch a train, so I got a really big mitt. (thanks to Kyle)
I have a Master's Degree in Engineering. I told the owner I'll return in in two days. (thanks to Kyle)
Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again". (thanks to Jessica)
Two buckets of vomit were walking down the street. One says to the other, "That's where I was brought up!" (thanks to Piemann)
How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? Ask him for his autograph. (thanks to Ward)
How do you find an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes. (thanks to James)