Cute Jokes #11
A plethora of cute and short jokes for you.
A man's house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, "Chief, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!" The Chief said, "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" The man said, "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"
Why don't they take coffee breaks in Poland? It takes too long to retrain them.
A blonde wanted to apply for job as a detective. She went into the station to apply, and the sergeant said, "I will need to ask you a few questions." "What is 2+2?" The blonde said, "4." "What color is the sky?" The blonde answered, "Blue." "Who shot Lincoln?" The blonde said, "I don't know." The officer said, "When you find out come back and tell me." So the blonde went home. Her roommate asked her if she got the job. She said, "As a matter of fact I did, and they put me on a case already!"
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater? An armadildo. (thanks to Juleen Dickins)
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
To err is human, to moo bovine. (thanks to Evets)
You can say anything foolish to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God! You're right! I would have never thought of that!" (thanks to Evets)
Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.
I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.
Animal testing is a bad idea. They get all the answers wrong. (thanks to Evets)
I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I'm God.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.
I used to work at the unemployment office, then I got fired. I had to show up the next day anyway!
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat.
A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.
If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?
Don't look at me with that tone of voice.
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
Men are like parking spaces - the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
I am having an out of money experience.
Smoking is a dying art.
I just bought a new toilet brush. I still prefer paper, though.
You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.
Death is hereditary.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
What would you say if Jesus sneezed in front of you?
Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, "Wait a minute" and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, "What was that all about?" The first dog replies, "Just checking my messages!"
I don’t believe in spanking my kids. I find that waving the gun around accomplishes the same thing.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
Can you play sole music with a shoe horn? (thanks to Charley)
Jesus saves. Moses invests.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really, really heavy."
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
Two salesmen are at another salesman's funeral. One says to the other, "What did he have?" The other salesman says "California, Oregon and Washington".
A will is a dead giveaway.
It's so noisy at my apartment building, what with all the banging on the wall, but I just ignore it and play my bagpipes.