Daffynitions #3
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Octopus: An eight-sided cat. (thanks to Juleen Dickins)
Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Out of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo.
Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversations with Yiddishisms.
Parachute: A double barreled shotgun.
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pedestrian: A motorist with two or more children of driving age.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
Perfect Pitch: When you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.
Petranoid: Someone who is both petrified and paranoid. Usually a mother. (thanks to King Bewildered)
Pharmacist:: A helper on the farm.
Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller.
Pokemon: A Rastafarian proctologist.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Porcupine: A craving for bacon.
Posse: A Wild West cat. (thanks to Juleen Dickins)
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.
Rectitude: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Safecracker: A cracker without caviar on it. (thanks to Catherine Debo)
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size six.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stalemate: An old spouse.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
Subdued: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government official.
Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Syndrome: Committing wrongdoing in the Vatican. (thanks to Jeff Dudley)
Syntax: Money in the collection plate.
Testicle: A funny question on an examination.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Ukraine: A female sheep lifting device. (thanks to Juleen Dickins)
Vocabularian: A person who makes up new words.
Will: A dead giveaway. (thanks to Daniel C)
Willy-nilly: Impotent.
Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
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