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My ex-girlfriend kept going out with me because she said I wasn't worth breaking up with.

The only nice thing my ex-girlfriend ever said to me was that I was a jerk, but in the good sense of the word.

My furniture is too old to be antique.

You must have run this meal through the flavor extractor.

Do people who do graffiti ever suffer from writer's block?

Why do people say, "out of the mouth of babes"? Have you ever seen what comes out of the mouth of babes?

You must be a genius to keep your brilliance so well hidden.

I'll never eat another meal made by someone who needs Toast Helper.

I don't know why they tell us to buy fish oil. Aren't they slippery enough already?

According to the "Big Bang" theory, we're all made of atoms that are billions of years old. If that's true, how could we let the cosmetic industry convince us that by taking their products (made of atoms that are billions of years old) and smearing them on top of other atoms (that also are billions of years old), we would regain our youth?

This morning I woke up to the pitter-patter of little feet. It was a cockroach running across my face.

Would a surgeon-comedian say, "A funny thing happened on the way to the gall bladder?"

My family helped me decide to do comedy. When I told them I wanted to be a comedian, they busted up laughing!

I'm glad there are still some things we can depend on, like when the swallows spawn upstream to Capristrano.

I had a pen pal once. I sent her a letter with my photo. She had it touched up and sent it back saying, "Don't write to me again until you look like this!"

My mother's afraid to be alone and my father's afraid of people. They never met.

My father has xenophobia so bad, he makes the neighbors ask him permission to have visitors.

I wish I knew somebody who could levitate. They could wash the roof of my van.

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