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Fray Pascual Quotes #1
Philosopher / Comic / Dominican Friar Patrick Manalio Passarelli
My ex-girlfriend kept going out with me because she said I wasn't worth breaking up with.
The only nice thing my ex-girlfriend ever said to me was that I was a jerk, but in the good sense of the word.
My furniture is too old to be antique.
You must have run this meal through the flavor extractor.
Do people who do graffiti ever suffer from writer's block?
Why do people say, "out of the mouth of babes"? Have you ever seen what comes out of the mouth of babes?
You must be a genius to keep your brilliance so well hidden.
I'll never eat another meal made by someone who needs Toast Helper.
I don't know why they tell us to buy fish oil. Aren't they slippery enough already?
According to the "Big Bang" theory, we're all made of atoms that are billions of years old. If that's true, how could we let the cosmetic industry convince us that by taking their products (made of atoms that are billions of years old) and smearing them on top of other atoms (that also are billions of years old), we would regain our youth?
This morning I woke up to the pitter-patter of little feet. It was a cockroach running across my face.
Would a surgeon-comedian say, "A funny thing happened on the way to the gall bladder?"
My family helped me decide to do comedy. When I told them I wanted to be a comedian, they busted up laughing!
I'm glad there are still some things we can depend on, like when the swallows spawn upstream to Capristrano.
I had a pen pal once. I sent her a letter with my photo. She had it touched up and sent it back saying, "Don't write to me again until you look like this!"
My mother's afraid to be alone and my father's afraid of people. They never met.
My father has xenophobia so bad, he makes the neighbors ask him permission to have visitors.
I wish I knew somebody who could levitate. They could wash the roof of my van.
Why such a philosophical quandry over which came first, the chicken or the egg? Just eat them both at the same time.
Being bored keeps me busy.
I don't know why it's called "Stand-up comedy." I'm usually on my knees, begging for a laugh.
Better the funny farm than the fossil farm.
I used to work in heavy construction. I drove a bulldozer that had training wheels.
My brother is trilingual - he speaks Spanish in three languages.
Rembrandt used a 'smiley face' magnet to hang one of his paintings on the refrigerator.
Would a nostalgic fortune teller only predict the past?
The first acupuncturists practiced on a species of weasels. Today these animals are called porcupines.
On the ark's return trip, Noah got his license pulled for dumping animal waste. That's why it's still called "The Dead Sea."
My parents have a great relationship. My mother says "Right, you're the boss. And if you have any problems, you come to me."
My cousin lives in a gated community - San Quentin.
What he can't express in words, he makes up for by talking.
Getting older is the very cause of aging.
Ignorance is nine tenths of the law.
At the Liar's Club for Lemmings awards, Lenny took first place. He said "Trust me, I've done this a thousand times."
The runner up was Louie, who said "We all started out as elephants."
I eat whatever and whenever I want. It's my new health free diet.
I don't like to eat. It ruins my appetite.
I got fired from my last job for coming in late. I was up the whole night before writing a resignation letter.
It's unlucky to be superstitious.