Mitch Hedberg Quotes 4I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."
A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!"
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.
A guy came up to me in the airport, saying, "Dude, I saw you on TV last night!" But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good. He just confirmed I was on television. So I turned away for a minute, and then I turned back toward him and said, "I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good!"
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call them "places to put stuff." Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.
I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.