One Liners 1

If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world. (thanks to Skyler Stalin)

Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard! (thanks to Shane Keating)

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. (thanks to Pete DeHaas)

I can't get enough minimalism. (thanks to Mark)

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. (thanks to Jeff Dudley)

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? (thanks to Warren)

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. (thanks to Paul)

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

If at first you don't succeed, try left field.

When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!" (thanks to Adam Cochran)



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