One Liners 5
Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.
If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?
Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Ham and Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
I was only looking at your nametag, honest!