Never compliment a man's watch when standing at the urinal. (thanks to Jamie Oliveira)

Never eat at a place called Mom's.

Never play cards with a man named Doc.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Never share a foxhole with someone who is braver than you are.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired.

Never argue with a woman when she's rested.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!

Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman.

Never argue with a fool. People may not be able to tell the difference.

Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

Never argue with a man who buys ink by the gallon.

Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.

Never say "Oops" in an operating room.

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.

Never eat prunes when you're hungry.

Never say, "Sorry, we don't have what you're looking for." Always say, "I just sold the last one the other day."

Never use one word when twelve will suffice.

Never hold a rap contest at a square dance. (thanks to Fray Pascual)

Never buy a recording of a heavy metal barbershop quartet. (thanks to Fray Pascual)

Never listen to Chubby Checker's "Let's do the Twist", when you're stuck in quicksand. (thanks to Fray Pascual)

Never be the first to do anything.

Never let go of what you have unless you have hold of something else.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.



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