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Very, very punny.
That girl said she met me at a Vegetarian restaurant, but I never met herbivore.
Two Eskimos, out to fish in their canoe got cold and decided to build a small fire in the bottom of their canoe to keep warm. Of course the boat caught fire and sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. (thanks to Lynn Lisk)
I thought about starting a conversation about nuts, but then I thought, "Screw it". (thanks to Gregory Seel)
An appeals court has upheld a ban on pitbulls. That's another victory in the war on terrier.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all league records were unfortunately lost, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"
The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
The sign at the rehab center said "Keep Off The Grass". (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
Conjunctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.
I was in a back alley in Fiji, fighting desperately and silently for my life, fighting desperately for oxygen, clawing at the calm and almost gentle pressure of the fabric held over my face by implacable, ebony thighs when I realized - he was killing me softly with his sarong. (thanks to Karl Scott)
The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
A rather youthful Billy Joel was fascinated when he entered the Green Room at the Tonight Show and saw a group of matronly nuns hastily applying hair color to the noggin of the show's next guest, Neil Young, whose agent offered an explanation from the corner of the room: "Only the good dye Young." (thanks to Joe Wyatt)
It's a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom.
What did Frank Sinatra say when someone asked him if he had ever kept wading birds as pets? "Egrets, I've had a few." (thanks to Wayfarer)
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
A man leaned to his right because his right leg was shorter than his left. He finally went to see a surgeon after much insistence from friends. Later, one of those friends saw the man walking down the street and noticed that the man's legs were exactly the same length. "See, what did I tell you?", the friend boasted. "You didn't believe the doctor could fix your leg!" The man said, "I stand corrected."
The horse got run over by a car. It's now in stable condition. (thanks to Larry the K)
When a woman sees her first grey hair, she usually thinks she'll dye.
Her boyfriend had a wooden leg, until she broke it off.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes Benz.
He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
A backwards poet writes inverse. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
There was a farmer who noticed a fly buzzing around the cow's ear while he was milking it. Next thing you know, the fly was in the bucket of milk. The farmer says, "In one ear, and out the udder!"
I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.