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Very, very punny.
A plane full of Japanese car parts has exploded in midair today. A local weatherman said it was raining Datsun cogs. (thanks to Jonco)
Police arrested a man who robbed a bank while Tweeting about it. He's hoping for a short sentence.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. (thanks to George Daughters)
There once was a girl named Carmen Cohen. Her mother called her Carmen and her father called her Cohen. It got so that she didn't know whether she was Carmen or Cohen. (thanks to Philip Leibfried)
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. (thanks to George Daughters)
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
A woman's three sons all leave home to seek their fortunes. Many years later they write to their old mom telling her that they have a successful cattle ranch and want her to come live with them. When she arrives, they proudly show her the ranch and ask her to name it for them, as they owe all their success to her. She thinks about it and tells them to call it Prism Ranch. Curious, they ask her why. "Because," she replies, "that's where the sons raise meat." (thanks to Dio Katz)
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. (thanks to George Daughters)
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. (thanks to George Daughters)
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. (thanks to George Daughters)
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. (thanks to George Daughters)
Because of the tsunami in Japan, the Chinese are hoarding soy sauce. So I guess you shouldn't Kikkoman when he's down.
An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' (thanks to George Daughters)
The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. (thanks to George Daughters)
A former Miss Russia has been arrested for both shoplifting and counterfeiting. Police say she can't get her bearings straight.
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
I gave my pet bird a haircut, now he thinks he's James Bond. He's certainly a shorn canary. (thanks to Jonco)
I once tried drawing Bill Murray on a one dollar bill but switched to drawing Jude Law. That didnt work either so I gave up. Washington makes it too hard to turn a Bill into a Law. (thanks to reddit)
There was a scare in the Middle East when famous political figure, Ali Ali was hospitalized because of a dangerously high amount of toxins in his bloodstream. After 5 hours of surgery and blood transfusions, everything is all right now because he is Ali Ali, toxin free. (thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)