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Bad Resumes #2
These items are from actual resumes!
While I've never quite gotten a degree, I am quite close to several.
Completed 11 years of high school.
College: August 1880-May 1984.
Finished eighth in my high school graduating class of ten.
Suspected to graduate early next year.
No education or experience.
I am the most talented employee my company has ever had.
Maintained a 2.0 GPA.
Professionally watered 22,500 house plants.
I often use a laptap.
I am able to say the ABCs backwards in under five seconds.
I'm a lean, mean, marketing machine.
In response to your ad for Web Editor, here is a URL to a site I have worked on: www.seeyouinbed.com
Excellant at people oriented positi9ons and organizational problem solving.
Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
I am a great team player I am.
I am the best and most awesome employee in New York City.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
Very experienced with out-house computers.
Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.
1881-1995: Spent my time teaching and going to school for computer science.
My last client called me a god.
I flurrish in an environment where there is no inner-office tension and people respect one another.
I never take anything for granite.
I am creative, dependable, and housebroken.
I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I am an onest and ambitious person, understanding the words as deadline, professional skills, communication with people, seriousity.
I continually receive complaints on the high quality of work I perform.
I have eight arms and eight legs with excellent interpersonal skills.
Dum major with my high school band.
I have unsuccessfully raised a dog.
At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.
I can adapt to just about any environment from cubicles to fancy IKEA desks.
I'm a rabid typist.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and nothing.
As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
I have successed in all my endeavors.
Marital status: often. Children: various.