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Bad Resumes #2

These items are from actual resumes!



Education:

While I've never quite gotten a degree, I am quite close to several.

Completed 11 years of high school.

College: August 1880-May 1984.

Finished eighth in my high school graduating class of ten.

Suspected to graduate early next year.

No education or experience.

Qualifications:

I am the most talented employee my company has ever had.

Maintained a 2.0 GPA.

Professionally watered 22,500 house plants.

I often use a laptap.

I am able to say the ABCs backwards in under five seconds.

I'm a lean, mean, marketing machine.

In response to your ad for Web Editor, here is a URL to a site I have worked on: www.seeyouinbed.com

Excellant at people oriented positi9ons and organizational problem solving.

Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

I am a great team player I am.

I am the best and most awesome employee in New York City.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

Very experienced with out-house computers.

Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.

1881-1995: Spent my time teaching and going to school for computer science.

My last client called me a god.

I flurrish in an environment where there is no inner-office tension and people respect one another.

I never take anything for granite.

I am creative, dependable, and housebroken.

I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I am an onest and ambitious person, understanding the words as deadline, professional skills, communication with people, seriousity.

I continually receive complaints on the high quality of work I perform.

I have eight arms and eight legs with excellent interpersonal skills.

Dum major with my high school band.

I have unsuccessfully raised a dog.

At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.

I can adapt to just about any environment from cubicles to fancy IKEA desks.

I'm a rabid typist.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and nothing.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

I have successed in all my endeavors.

Marital status: often. Children: various.