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Bad Resumes #3

These items are from actual resumes!

Special Requests:

Desired Salary: $1.00 Per Year

I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks of vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan.

Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

I want a boss of average height, not too tall, though not strangely small (though I guess I could get used to just about anything given time).

I need just enough money to have pizza every night.

If U hire me, U will not have any regrets.

I don't have a phone 4 the time being. Please email me instead.

I prefer informality like wearing sports shirts and sandals for footwear in the summer.

I prefer setting my own pace. When things get slack I like the right to walk out and get a haircut during working hours.

Skills and accomplishments:

Set record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes.

I am the leader of a 6,000 member clan on World of Warcraft.

I make an excellent sandwich.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

Raised over $6,000 for an organization by sitting on a commode.

Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.

I have never had a single blemish held against me and my IQ is off the charts.

I am quick at typing, about 25 word per minute, 35 with caffeinated coffee.

Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.

Additional Information:

Being in trouble with the law, I moved quite frequently.

At the age of 12, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans. The only difference was that they became great.

Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

At the emphatic urging of colleagues, I have consented to apply for your position.

Have had littel luck in finding a new and challenging position.

I am anxious to spread my wings in new directions and soar to new heights.

I am writing to you, as I have written to all Fortune 1000 companies every year for the past three years, to solicit employment.

Shot at the local gun club.

I've left a path of destruction behind me.

If you can't be a people person on a Navy ship, then you will probably get tossed overboard.