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Here are actual excuses given by people who called in sick (from CareerBuilder.com)
Employee was poisoned by his mother-in-law.
I'm too fat to get into my work pants.
A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car from her house.
I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet.
Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.
Employee called from his cell phone, saying that he was accidentally locked in a restroom stall and that nobody was around to let him out.
I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work.
Employee broke his leg snowboarding off his roof while drunk.
Employee's wife said he couldn't come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house.
I cut my fingernails too short, they're bleeding and I have to go to the doctor.
One of the walls in the employee's home fell off the night before.
Employee's mother was in jail.
My wheelchair broke down.
God didn't wake me.
A skunk got into the employee's house and sprayed all of his uniforms.
Employee had a bad case of hiccups.
It's way too cold outside to leave the house.
It's way too nice outside to be in the office.
I had race tickets for Sunday's race, which was rained out, so they are running it today.
Employee blew his nose so hard that his back went out.
Employee's horses got loose and were running down the highway.
Employee was hit by a bus while walking.
Employee's dog swallowed her bus pass.
My house lock jammed, and I'm locked in.
Employee was sad.
My cow bit me.
Employee was spit on by a venomous snake.
Employee had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.
Employee had to ship his grandmother's bones to India.
I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
Employee's bus broke down and was held up by robbers.I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
I couldn't find my shoes.
I hurt myself bowling.
I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.
My boyfriend's snake got loose and I'm afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home.
A hit man was looking for me.
The ghosts in my house kept me up all night.
My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
I eloped.
I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened.
My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.
I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself.
I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back.
My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.
I forgot what day of the week it was.
I forgot I was getting married today.
Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
A tree fell on my car.
I'm too drunk to drive to work.
My monkey died.
My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can't get it out.
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Light Bulbs
Not A Kid Anymore
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Never
The Odds
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Are You Old?
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Steven Wright
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