Steven Wright Jokes 5

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

My school colors were clear. "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's books, but not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

So, do you live around here often?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child eventually.

(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I'd say, "have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I washed mud off of mud.

I took a baby shower.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.