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Steven Wright Jokes #5

Master of the Absurd

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

My school colors were clear. "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's books, but not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

So, do you live around here often?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child eventually.

(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I'd say, "have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I washed mud off of mud.

I took a baby shower.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

I couldn't find the remote to the remote.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

The other day I... no wait, that wasn't me.

You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time.

There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't understand what he said.

Then there's the story he tells about meeting the blond Chinese girl on a bus who tells him all her problems. She says she is on her way to therapy, because she is a nymphomaniac, but she only gets turned on by Jewish cowboys. She then says, "by the way, what is your name?" He says, "Hi, I'm Bucky Goldstein."

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See? That's how it's done."

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I have a map of the United States, actual size. It says "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.