Steven Wright Jokes 7

I was born by Caesarian Section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said it's "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "hey, these records are all blank."

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said the whole time.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep. I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's really easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep!"