Steven Wright Jokes #7
Master of the Absurd
I was born by Caesarian Section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short...
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said it's "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "hey, these records are all blank."
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said the whole time.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep. I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's really easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep!"
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning (picks up his glass of water from the stool). I like to live on the edge.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and "Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better."
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.
If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?
I saw a want ad; "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
The sun got confused about daylight savings, it rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
SEARCH FUNNY2
