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Steven Wright Jokes #7

Master of the Absurd

I was born by Caesarian Section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said it's "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "hey, these records are all blank."

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said the whole time.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep. I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's really easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep!"

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning (picks up his glass of water from the stool). I like to live on the edge.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and "Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better."

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

I saw a want ad; "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

The sun got confused about daylight savings, it rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.