Mitch Hedberg Quotes 2I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"
Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down.
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.