Jonco Says 7

I decided to be more considerate of my neighbors. In fact, I went over and knocked on their door and told them at 4 o'clock this morning.

I pretend there are bits floating in my orange juice. Pulp Fiction.

I just got thrown out of our local hospital for misusing a breast-scanning unit. Or Binoculars, as the Security Guard insisted on calling them.

The wife kept saying the same thing over and over again. Turns out it was just a phrase she was going through.

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

For his 70th Birthday treat, Stephen Hawking's caregiver arranged for him to go out on a date, when he returned later that evening he was all covered in cuts and bruises, his caretaker asked him, "what the hell happened?" He replied, "She stood me up!"

A new survey shows that a fifth of American men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine. I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

I think I had something at lunchtime that disagreed with me. In fact I know I did - I was having dinner with my wife and her mother.

I'd hate to be the Captain of the Costa Concordia. He is in deep water. Which paradoxically, where he should have been in the first place.

I really wanted to re-marry the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money.

How do you tell if someone owns an Apple product? Just wait, they will tell you.

I just called the S&M hotline but no one answered. They're probably all tied up.

My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.

I was walking down the street the other day, and a guy called me over to him. When I got there he said "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." I said, "I was."

I've been studying abroad for two years now. She still doesn't know.

Someone stole my coffee cup from work on Friday. Just heading down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

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