Jonco Says 14

My horse was neck and neck with the winner for a while at the Derby yesterday. Then the race started.

Today, I shall rewrite hostiry.

I have no beef with vegetarians.

Just heard some early news from the Olympics. It seems that, following a record-breaking practice session, the North Korean Pole Vault Champion has just become the South Korean Pole Vault Champion.

When a family member unexpectedly dies, what's the acceptable mourning period before removing their stick figure from the back of the minivan?

I like my women to be like my garden hose. Cheap and kinky.

I took my granddaughter for a ride on the carousel today. The staff at the airport weren't very happy about it.

I'm not arrogant, I'm too good to be arrogant.

I shouldn't question everything... should I?

Condoms should be used in all conceivable occasions.

Those different colored contact lenses look ridiculous, in my eyes.

The inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96. Have they tried turning his batteries round and smacking him against the coffee table?

I was talking to a navy seal earlier. I couldn't understand why it was that color.

I bought my obsessive/compulsive wife a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. She's going nuts trying to hang it straight.

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

If that kid next door doesn't stop playing the drums, there will be serious repercussions.

Whenever I go out sightseeing I like to take a few pictures. Yesterday I got a Picasso.

I'm about to launch an online taxi firm. I just need to download the drivers.

I'm so much better at starting things than finishing them. That said,



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