Jonco Says 15

What's the difference between a rocker and a jazz man? A rocker plays 3 chords in front of 3,000 people, and a jazz man plays 3,000 chords in front of 3 people.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

Even though I needed to use the bathroom I decided to try to hold it in so I could stay at the track to watch the last horse race. Number two won.

I went to the Natural History Museum and saw the two bees that Noah supposedly took with him. They were in the archives.

When I die, I want my last words to be, "I left $400,000 under the..."

I just looked up the word "indescribable" - ironically it's a describing word.

I've penned a few great novels in my time. I think that's why I'm not allowed in the library any more.

The local town executioner has had his basket stolen. Heads are going to roll!

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

At night I always put a sparkler on top of my grandma's mobility scooter then in the mornings, just before she sets off shopping, I light it when she's not looking. She looks like she has stolen a dodgem car when she's driving through Walmart.

They say a dog is a man's best friend. But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a dump on my carpet.

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

If you can only go left or right, and you know that left isn't right, then by a process of elimination, right must be right because it's the only way left.

My mother-in-law gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday today. I couldn't find the words to thank her.

Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

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