Things Cats Should Remember 1The dinner table might not be the best place to start grooming my rear. (thanks to Lynn Kearns)
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.
Leaping from the very top of the condo onto the curtain rod makes my human very annoyed with me. If I do it, I will get a time out, squirted with The Water Bottle Of Death and yelled at. (thanks to Miss Ann Thrope)
If I'm trying to hide behind the window shade so no one will see me (and I'm all clever for hiding behind the window shade, ya know) I shouldn't let my tail hang down. (thanks to Elizabeth)
I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am disturbed. (thanks to Vic)
If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up and walk away without the slightest hint of a care. (thanks to Vic)
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I can fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of other cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
There is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - feline attendance is not mandatory or helpful.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cats' back end. I cannot stress this enough.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.