Steven Wright Jokes #1
Master of the Absurd
Whenever everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
The speed of time is one second per second.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
My father was a small claims court jester.
What's the youngest you can die of old age?
I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it."
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
I had parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I say "Come here, Stay!" After a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2 inches taller.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.