Steven Wright Jokes 1Whenever everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
The speed of time is one second per second.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
My father was a small claims court jester.
What's the youngest you can die of old age?
I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."