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Steven Wright Jokes #2
Master of the Absurd
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "cut it out!"
I'm so hyper (said with a very dull voice).
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.
The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator.
Having sex with *name* is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?" So I said, "Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far."
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."