Steven Wright Jokes 2

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "cut it out!"

I'm so hyper (said with a very dull voice).

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator.

Having sex with *name* is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?" So I said, "Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far."

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "wish you were here."