Steven Wright Jokes 3My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went, "Aaaaahhhh....."
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars.
The sky already fell. Now what?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.