Steven Wright Jokes 4A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"
I had my coat hangers spayed.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy French restaurant called Deja-Vu. The headwaiter said, "don't I know you?"
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, Let me ask you a question, "If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. We're surrounded.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.