Mitch Hedberg Quotes 11

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."

I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant. Because the customer is always right.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load stuff into a truck.

I don't have a baby, but if I did, I would either buy a baby-name book or invite somebody over who had a cast on.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"

Why are there no "during" pictures?

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.