Mitch Hedberg Quotes 21

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" I was too busy yelling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh, wait. It's in my file at home, under 'D'".

I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you."

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. Look what I have. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up.