In-Flight Humor 1The captain of a Vueling Airlines flight greeted passengers to Madrid this way: "We have a safety problem with the door at the front. Don't worry, it's just a safety problem."
While showing the use of the oxygen mask: "If you are seated next to a child or someone acting like one, please assist them in putting on the breathing apparatus. (thanks to Addison St. Onge-May)
A Southwest flight attendant said this as the door was opened: "OK, now I'm going to tell you exactly what my Mama told me on my 18th birthday. GET OUTTA HERE." (thanks to Fred)
"Hello Everyone, we have a first time flyer on board today - and it is also their 50th birthday!" After everybody cheers, the flight attendant continues, "Will everyone please wish the captain a Happy Birthday!?"
The pilot dropped out of the fog at Spokane Washington and discovered he was half way down the runway and slammed the plane down onto the ground. The flight attendant announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just dropped into Spokane."
"Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft." *scattered applause* "So, if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker, shake his hand, and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines."
"If you smoke, please wait until you arrive at a designated smoking area to light up, which (in California) would be outside."
"Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!"
After taking off, the pilot got on the speaker and said, "Bear with me folks, this is my first time."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."