Real examples of humor on commercial flights.
The captain of a Vueling Airlines flight greeted passengers to Madrid this way: "We have a safety problem with the door at the front. Don't worry, it's just a safety problem."
While showing the use of the oxygen mask: "If you are seated next to a child or someone acting like one, please assist them in putting on the breathing apparatus. (thanks to Addison St. Onge-May)
A Southwest flight attendant said this as the door was opened: "OK, now I'm going to tell you exactly what my Mama told me on my 18th birthday. GET OUTTA HERE." (thanks to Fred)
"Hello Everyone, we have a first time flyer on board today - and it is also their 50th birthday!" After everybody cheers, the flight attendant continues, "Will everyone please wish the captain a Happy Birthday!?"
The pilot dropped out of the fog at Spokane Washington and discovered he was half way down the runway and slammed the plane down onto the ground. The flight attendant announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just dropped into Spokane."
"Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft." *scattered applause* "So, if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker, shake his hand, and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines."
"If you smoke, please wait until you arrive at a designated smoking area to light up, which (in California) would be outside."
"Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!"
After taking off, the pilot got on the speaker and said, "Bear with me folks, this is my first time."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."