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Jonco Sez... #6
Wit and Wisdom from the Bits & Pieces guy
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution - 1024x768.
When someone prays for a flood to stop, they're basically saying, "God, dam it."
I've been meaning to pay my gas and electricity bill. But I just don't have the energy.
I've had my application rejected for a job with NASA. There was no space for me.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.
A man walks into a brothel and asks, "Is that Hortense over there?" The Madam replies, "She looks perfectly relaxed to me."
I came home from work last night to find a police officer rooting through my CD rack. Turns out we'd been burgled and he was just looking for Prince.
Jesus died for our sins, so if we don't sin, he died for nothing.
According to North Korean press, Kim Jong Il has entered a sleeping contest.
I can see into the future, but only good things. I'm an optimystic.
By and large, the women involved in online dating are bi, and large.
My TV screen went black today. I can't get it to go back.
If your horse goes too fast, you mustang on.
I went to the furniture store and was browsing about for a while. A woman then came up and said, "What is it you are looking for?" I said, "One night stand." She called security.
My best friend's really easy going. He has irritable bowels.
Some people will never change. Like a nun, same clothes everyday.
I will never forget my childhood summers, when we would climb into old tires and roll down the hills. They were goodyears.
Who here knows how to perform with sock puppets? Can I have a show of hands?
Whenever I go out sightseeing I like to take a few pictures. Yesterday I got a Picasso.
I'm about to launch an online taxi firm. I just need to download the drivers.
Wearing glasses makes me look better.
There was a programmer in our workplace that got employee of the month and got promoted. He got arrays.
Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican.
It's a well known fact that Adolf Hitler loved dogs and other animals. He was, after all, a veteran Aryan.
My wife went through the roof when she stumbled upon my secret explosives collection in the attic.
People who have no index fingers are pointless.
My wife is thinking about getting a flu shot but I refused to give her advice. I just didn't want to influenza decision.
Took me 2 hours to grill a chicken yesterday but still couldn't get it to tell me why it crossed the road.
Every house needs a door, and that's where I come in.
I've just received a doctors appointment regarding my constipation. Unfortunately I can't go.
I really hate mass murderers. I wish I could just kill them all.