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Real Life vs. Movies
Life's really not like the movies.
Movies: The hero calmly walks away without flinching as the building explodes behind him.
Real life: You totally crap yourself when a car backfires behind you.
Movies: The hero takes a bullet to the shoulder, winces, pours whiskey on the wound and cuts the bullet out with his knife.
Real life: You get a paper cut, cry like a schoolgirl, and demand worker's comp.
Movies: Spectacular super slo-mo action.
Real life: What the hell just happened?
Movies: The plumber is young, handsome, tan, and snakes your pipes in return for "snaking your pipes."
Real life: The plumber looks like Ernest Borgnine after an all-night bender and charges $150 to walk in the door.
Movies: The tough cowboy bursts through the swinging doors of the Main Street Saloon and serves up some justice to the bad guy who's been running roughshod over the townspeople by brute force.
Real life: The waiter bursts through the swinging doors of the Wall Street kitchen and serves up some caviar crepes with truffle pesto sauce to bad guy who's been running roughshod over the townspeople by loot force.
Movies: You finally find the inner fortitude to uppercut the school bully, sending him into a punchbowl and/or cake.
Real life: Years later, you find yourself serving the same bully punch and/or cake.
Movies: When you deliver a pizza, you're greeted at the door by shapely horny women who invite you in for the ultimate sexual fantasy.
Real life: When you deliver a pizza, you're greeted at the door by a fantasy baseball league.
Movies: Hottie behind the register at Victoria's Secret flashes a little cleavage, and beckons him to the back room.
Real life: Scotty behind the register at Costco flashes a little man-boob, and asks if he can bum a smoke off you out back.
Movies: The hero always slides the back of two fingers down the pretty girl's cheek and says, "You know how the game is played, don't you sweetie?"
Real life: You try it once and HR gets involved.
Movies: Boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back.
Real life: Boy loses girl, boy loses another girl, boy tries boy, boy loses boy, too.
Movies: Johnny Depp is a quasi-effeminate, usually drunk swashbuckling pirate who can somehow sleep with any woman he wants.
Real life: Johnny Depp is a quasi-effeminate, moderately talented actor who can somehow sleep with any woman he wants.
Movies: James Bond deftly clips the correct wire and defuses the terrorist-rigged nuclear bomb, saving an entire city.
Real life: You attempt to change a fuse in your basement and inadvertently cause a city-wide blackout.
Movies: Everyone around you at the bus stop breaks into song.
Real life: You're dangerously close to get your ass kicked because you're the only one singing, gleek.
Movies: Shy, gawky dude with indefatigable charm and quirky foibles wins over heroine's heart, marries her, and lives happily ever after.
Real life: You're 47 and spend your time playing World of Warcraft in your parents' basement.
Movies: The hooker has a heart of gold.
Real life: The "hooker" has a badge of gold.
Real life: Adam Sandler is probably kind of funny.
Real life: $8 buys a year's worth of popcorn.