Cute Jokes 9

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

I went on a fishing trip, but only caught three fish. I figure the fish cost me about $400 each. It's a good thing I didn't catch more, I couldn't afford them.

A guy says to a dentist, "$90 to pull a tooth? That's only about one minute's work!" The dentist says, "I can make it last longer if you'd like."

A nun says to Mother Superior, "There's a case of syphilis in the convent!" Mother Superior says, "That's great, I was getting tired of the Chablis."

I dated a lawyer until she said, "Stop, and/or I'll slap your face!"

A man thinks he'll be charitable and says to a homeless man, "Paint my porch out back, and I'll give you $100". Later in the day, the homeless guy knocks on the door and says, "I'm all done. By the way, it's a Mercedes."

There is a sale in the men's department. All pants are half off.

What did Ray Charles say when someone gave him a cheese grater? "This is the most violent book I have ever read!"

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I swallowed a pool ball!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, you'll have to get back to the end of the queue." (thanks to Erica)

Why does a drummer keep his drumsticks on the dashboard? So he can park in the handicapped spots. (thanks to Evets)

There was a knock on the door, and I answered it, but all that was there was a snail. I picked it up and threw it into the street. Two weeks later, another knock on the door. I opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, "What was that all about?"

A lawyer meets the devil. The devil says, "I will give you countless riches now if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family." The lawyer says, "What's the catch?"

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.

There are no Wal-Marts in Syria. They're all Targets.

A woman says to a man, "Make me feel like a real woman." The man says, "Here, iron this."

The first restaurant on the moon isn't doing very well. It's got great food, but no atmosphere.

If a woman gets married, she gets a new name and a dress.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

I am a kleptomaniac, but when it gets really bad I take something for it.

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."