Cute Jokes 13They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it much more personal and sincere.
It's hell to get old. A man said, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," another woman replied, "It's Thursday." An old man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a Coke."
Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It's all over town.
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom!
How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers.
What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
What do you call twin babies waiting to be born? Wombmates. (thanks to Tom)
Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants.
Do dwarves get paid under the table? (thanks to Charley and Shelby Bell)
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Would lactose-intolerant people go to the Non-Dairy Queen? (thanks to Charley)
The meek may inherit the earth, but they'll be too humble to accept it. (thanks to Matt)
A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"
I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.
I used to sell "No Soliciting" signs door to door. (thanks to Charley)
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
The Invisible Man married Invisible Woman, but their kids aren't much to look at.
God was talking to one of the angels, and said, "I've just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a 24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!" The angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
She was only the Stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure.
One cannibal says to another, "I hate my mother-in-law."
Would a police van filled with prisoners that collides with a cement truck result in hardened criminals? (thanks to Charley)
The other cannibal passed his mother in the woods.
There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. It's the Picabo ICU.
If you wear a "Guess" shirt, is the answer on the back of the shirt? (thanks to Charley)
A woman came in last in the 100 yard breaststroke at the local swim meet. She later complained, "The other girls were using their hands!"
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."