Fray Pascual 3

The nurses at the maternity ward begin every shift with a chorus of Queen's "We Will Rock You."

My uncle just turned 100 years old. The local paper did an interview with him. The reported asked to what does he attribute his long life, and my uncle answered, "My poor memory - I keep forgetting to die!"

Engraved on Don Vito Corleone's (The Godfather) tombstone:
I made them an offer they couldn't refuse.
If they still said no, I put cement in their shoes.
I didn't know I'd end up like this,
for sending so many to sleep with the fish."

My father always took us on the most exciting vacations. One time we went to the Root Canal Festival. It was right next to the Grand Canyon, which they called the Grand Cavity.


Insanity Helpers:

At a business meeting, tap on a water glass with a spoon, stand up and challenge all the other tables to a yodeling contest.

At a business luncheon, put a puppet on each hand and do a "Punch and Judy Show" - using the spoon as the bat.

Walk out of a hardware store saying to those entering, I'll never eat here again!"

At a business conference, conduct a seance.

At a butcher shop, ask for a pound of hamburger. As the butcher is preparing it, say, "We used to call her Bessie".

In the middle of a business conference say, "Remember Dwight Eisenhower?"

Put a sign on the office bulletin board: "Attention - All wearing fingerprints, please report at once to security!"


Elevator Fun:

Get on with a tuba and play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven."

Start singing "I'm a Little Teapot"


Unlikely Products:

A 100 pound sack of rhino litter.

A rare photo of Tinkerbell practicing voodoo.

A fur lined spittoon.

An etch-a-sketch gravestone marker - let anybody write whatever they want on it.

Algae enhancer for shower floors

Styrofoam poles for pole vaulting

Synthetic dandruff for wigs


Unlikely Companies:

The Bonneville Flats Speed Bump Co.

Captain Ahab's Fishing Expeditions Ltd.

Wanda's Water Buffalo Obedience School Inc.

The Sierra Club Chain Saw Company

Greenpeace Plastics, Inc.

The Audubon Society Duck Call Co.


Bumper Sticker:

Don't procrastinate! Put it off NOW.


Businesses doomed to failure:

Attila the Hun's Ballet School

Captain Nemo's Styrofoam Anchors

Capone's Tax Consultants

Quasimodo's Hot Oil Therapy.