Mitch Hedberg Quotes 8

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. "Where were you?" "I got caught!" "I don't believe you, let me see the inside of your lip."

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I was going to get a candy bar, the button I was supposed to push is HH. So I pressed the H button twice. Potato chips came out! Turns out there was an HH button. You gotta let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of HH. I did not learn my AA BB CCs.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.



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