Mitch Hedberg Quotes 9I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
A mini-bar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the mini-bar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off and charge me, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I wanna hang a map of the world at my house. Then I wanna stick pins in the locations that I've traveled to. But first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."