One Liners 2
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!" (thanks to Karthik Narayan)
If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
Contents may have settled out of court.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.
I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.