One Liners #6
One of the classic forms of humor.
When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.
If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I have a screwdriver in my hand. This is not a drill. Repeat, this is not a drill.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Dyspraxics are people three. (thanks to Skip Tucker)
There's no future in time travel.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.
A good pun is its own reword.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?
Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!
For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
I love cats; they taste just like chicken.
I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups, but I'm not holding my breath. (thanks to Skip Tucker)
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Some people have a way with words, others not have way.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.
Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.