Jonco Sez... #1
Wit and Wisdom from the Bits & Pieces guy
Thoughts from Jonco, the man behind Bits & Pieces. If you haven't made Bits & Pieces one of your daily stops, you should!
It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Is it just me, or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from. Then it dawned on me.
In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.
The worst bar I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.
I just want to thank the girl who ran with me for the last few thousand feet in the marathon yesterday, not wearing a sports bra. Your lack of support got me through.
A farmer is in his big machinery barn one day doing a striptease when the farmhand walks in catching him in the act. "What the heck!?" exclaims the farmhand. "Oh!" replies the farmer, looking quite embarrassed. "Thing is, Mrs Farmer and I haven't been getting on recently so my therapist advised I should do something sexy to a tractor."
Shouldn't the Air and Space Museum be empty?
Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day. I nearly choked on my latte.
I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier. She's not dead - she thinks I'm digging a pond.
What do houseflies and Mac users have in common? Neither of them understand how Windows work.
92% of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
I used to be quite good at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
Everything is easier said than done. Except for talking, that's about the same.
Don't worry about infringing on corporate trademarks, Just Do It.
I told my buddy that, in order to get laid, I'd promised my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer. He said, "July?" I said, "Of course I did."
Failure is at the end of the path of least persistence.
I lost my watch earlier. I would have looked for it but I didn't have the time.
The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn't suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry.
I see boomerangs are making a comeback.
I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate. I didn't want to say anything in case he took a fence.
I'm reading a book about the Titanic at the moment, and the experts speculate that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp. That's unthinkable!
If you were lost in fog, would you be mist?
As a child I enjoyed reading "Spot The Dog". They were a lot easier than "Where's Waldo".
A Freudian slip is one where you say one thing but mean a mother.
Sometimes it's the smallest things that take up the most room in your heart. Like blood clots.
I banged my head on a low bridge. I would have been okay if viaduct.
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
I recently bought a second keyboard, so I can indulge in some stereotyping.
You can't have manslaughter without laughter.
LeAnn Rimes. No it doesn't.
Death - a once in a lifetime experience.
I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?
I had to do a presentation on children's playground equipment. So I did a slide show.
After 2 hours of wandering around CVS, I eventually found the disposable contact lenses. Aisle C.
As the circus manager I had to tell an acrobat he was sacked yesterday. He wasn't happy, he flipped. Tomorrow I'm going to fire the human cannonball.