Jonco Says 8

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I saw something fly past wearing rosary beads earlier. "That must be a bird of pray", I thought.

My wife called me the other day. She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

I''ve just bought a forklift at an auction. It's amazing what you can pick up nowadays.

My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42. She said, "You told me that you were 28 and a half!" I said, "I am if you think about it."

How do you confuse a moron? Seven.

I was saying to a stranger in the bar last night, "My grandfather will be 104 tomorrow." "Wow, that's amazing. What's his secret?" "He was born a long time ago."

Rick Astley gave a lot of stuff up for Lent, but not you.

I used to get strange looks for trying to use my phone on the bus. But then again, it was 1972.

Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicking over who's going to be next.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

I've recently joined PAULA. People Against the Use of Incorrect Acronyms.

I went to Home Depot to look at a power washer. But I can't deal with these high-pressure salesmen.

Some stores call them "self checkouts". Some people call them "I'm not paying for some of this."

I proposed my idea of a new efficient internet web browser to the bosses at Apple today. It went rather well I thought, raised a few iBrowse.