Jonco Says 9

There are two types of people in this world, those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

I hate condescending people. But I wouldn't expect you to understand.

They say there's more chance of dying on the way to buy the lottery tickets, than actually winning. That's why I always send my wife to buy the tickets.

A woman asks her computer programmer husband to go shopping. "Could you go to the store and get bread, and if they have eggs, get six". The husband returns with six loaves of bread. The wife, flabbergasted, asks, "Why the hell did you buy six loaves of bread?" The husband replies "Because they had eggs!"

30% of all internet traffic is porn, according to the New England Journal of Underestimating Things.

That's the last time I buy a homing pigeon. The darn thing refuses to leave the house.

Laser eye surgery, what a waste of money. Two weeks and not a single laser fired from either of my eyes.

I thought I saw a guy wearing camouflage. I didn't.

I'm convinced the new girl I'm seeing is a transvestite. I can feel it.

My friend asked me last night if I liked hanging from the ceiling, spinning round. I replied, "I'm not a fan."

Life's too short to be telling people how short life is.

I went to the doctor today and he asked if I'd be comfortable if he examined me in the nude. I said, "I'd rather you didn't" and looked at him with disgust. As he started to button his trousers back up.

Keep an eye out for the Fukishima based tennis player at Wimbledon this year. His forehands are amazing.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Burger King. I said,"Have it your way."

I was just reminiscing with my friends about when we all went to the clock museum. Good times!

Just came in first place from a field of 17 million in an Exaggeration Contest!

I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow. "Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?" "Sticks?" I presume.