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Jonco Sez... #10
Wit and Wisdom from the Bits & Pieces guy
My wife's leaving me because because because because becaaaauuuuuse she thinks I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.
Bulimia: Twice the taste, with none of the calories.
Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.
I asked a girl out on a date the other day but she said she'd rather stay in and play her flute to a snake. Charming.
Don't order Siamese cats on the internet. They just send you one cat, and it doesn't even have two heads.
Jesus drove a Honda. He just didn't like to talk about it. Proof: John 12:49 'For I did not speak of my own Accord'.
Apparently blind people think we discriminate against them for reading in braille. I'm sorry they feel that way.
I'm more confused than a circular pizza in a square box, cut into triangular slices.
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's on its last legs now.
A bus is a vehicle that goes twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Broken glass tastes just like blood.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Every 40 seconds, someone commits suicide. Say what you will about those depressed types, but they sure are punctual.
I swear I have Tourette's.
If Steve Jobs hadn't died, he would still be alive today.
I've just got off the phone with the wife. She had a lovely talk.
Beginners guides? Don't get me started on those.
I've signed up as a conductor for 3 different orchestras. I've got more musicians than you could shake a stick at.
Wearing sandals with socks is similar to wearing a condom. You have almost no chance of getting a girl pregnant.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
When chemists die, they barium.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
At night I always put a sparkler on top of my grandma's mobility scooter then in the mornings, just before she sets off shopping, I light it when she's not looking. She looks like she has stolen a dodgem car when she's driving through Walmart.
They say a dog is a man's best friend. But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a dump on my carpet.
It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
If you can only go left or right, and you know that left isn't right, then by a process of elimination, right must be right because it's the only way left.
My mother-in-law gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday today. I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.
Just heard some early news from the Olympics. It seems that, following a record-breaking practice session, the North Korean Pole Vault Champion has just become the South Korean Pole Vault Champion.