Jonco Says 11

I told my buddy that, in order to get laid, I'd promised my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer. He said, "July?" I said, "Of course I did."

Failure is at the end of the path of least persistence.

I lost my watch earlier. I would have looked for it but I didn't have the time.

The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn't suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry.

I see boomerangs are making a comeback.

I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate. I didn't want to say anything in case he took a fence.

I'm reading a book about the Titanic at the moment, and the experts speculate that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp. That's unthinkable!

If you were lost in fog, would you be mist?

As a child I enjoyed reading "Spot The Dog". They were a lot easier than "Where's Waldo".

A Freudian slip is one where you say one thing but mean a mother.

Sometimes it's the smallest things that take up the most room in your heart. Like blood clots.

I banged my head on a low bridge. I would have been okay if viaduct.

Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

I recently bought a second keyboard, so I can indulge in some stereotyping.

You can't have manslaughter without laughter.

LeAnn Rimes. No it doesn't.

Death - a once in a lifetime experience.

I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?

I had to do a presentation on children's playground equipment. So I did a slide show.

After 2 hours of wandering around CVS, I eventually found the disposable contact lenses. Aisle C.

As the circus manager I had to tell an acrobat he was sacked yesterday. He wasn't happy, he flipped. Tomorrow I'm going to fire the human cannonball.