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Longer Jokes & Stories #2
Funny and/or Interesting stories for you to tell
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour a day to drain the fluids from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed next to the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed would live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the outside world. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake, the man had said. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Lovers walked arm in arm amid flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man could not hear the band, he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with beautiful descriptive words.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendant to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
The lesson: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
(thanks to Jeff and Jer)
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" "Yes, What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search each log in the the wood pile and find nothing; frustrated, they get axes and split open every piece of wood but still find no marijuana. They mutter obscenities and sneer at Virgil and finally leave.
Shortly after, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil, this here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood for the winter?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(thanks to Anthony L. Lorenz)
A white man, a Mexican man, and a black man were all very bad. The all died and went to hell for the sins they had committed. The devil told them, "if you can trick me, I'll set you free to have another chance in the world."
The white man hid behind a huge puff of smoke. He said, "Devil, find me!" The devil quickly found him and sent the man to hell.
The black man laid under a wall of fire and said, "Devil find me!" The devil found him and did the same.
The Mexican asked for a bucket. He poked a bunch of holes in it and sat down. Then, he farted. He said, "Devil, which hole did it come out of?"
The devil pointed to one of the holes on the bucket. The Mexican guy stood up and pointed to his butt, and said, "No, this one."
(thanks to Staci Nicole Clark)
The other day I was in charge of finding a caterer for this big banquet at my church. Through a lucky series of events, I was able to book Bobby Flay’s brother for the night! I thought it would be great, but the food was terrible and people were complaining about food poisoning.
Moral of the story: Don’t judge a cook by his brother.
(thanks to Jordan Hochmuth)
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a 20 dollar bill fell out onto the path.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are 20 dollar bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, I would make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time a guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me 20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."