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Thoughts to Get Through a Crisis #2
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. You should live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
If you lend someone twenty dollars and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Impossibilities exist within the line of sight. (thanks to Segun Tedunjaiye)
No one is listening until you fart.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
Never wrestle with a pig: you both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you," though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent..
No books will be as good as the ones you loved as a child.
Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables: get someone else to hold them while you chop away.