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Steven Wright Jokes #6

Master of the Absurd



I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes, I need them.

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store, with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving. Every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip, but I don't remember what it was.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want, my phone has no 5 on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know, my calendar has no 7s on it."

For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter, but no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I had to stop driving my car for a while, the tires got dizzy.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed 1 and he just stood there. I said, "Hi, where are you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert, then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?" The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes" The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon, and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says "Here, you can go."

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yeah, but not in a row."

My neighbor has a circular driveway, he can't get out.