Steven Wright Jokes 6

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes, I need them.

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store, with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving. Every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip, but I don't remember what it was.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want, my phone has no 5 on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know, my calendar has no 7s on it."

For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter, but no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I had to stop driving my car for a while, the tires got dizzy.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?